I Am Where I Am

I am not having a very good couple of running days, in fact, I no longer feel like an imposter, now it is more of a phony. Head Cold Hattie has apparently zapped me good. Yesterday I set out to do shoe test # 15 or whatever it is and only made it about 1.75 miles. Today, I set out again, this time 4 miles, but lots of walking and wondering if I have lost all my fitness in this short of time or does Hattie just zap you that hard? Or maybe I've lost my mental toughness to run through it? I can't even run far enough to have a good shoe test at this point.

So, I am left wondering exactly where I am and what this means for the upcoming marathon. Rather than continue the bawling and whining, I decided to do something about it. I am going to post something that could help me, if I choose to let it, and maybe could help someone else, too.

I am reading The Courage to Start: A Guide to Running for Your Life by John "the Penguin" Bingham. Even though it is about starting, it really is full of lessons about running in general, running for life, attitude, changing our definitions of ourselves, etc. Tons of Life Lessons, really, if you let them be. I highly recommend this for anyone who is starting, recently started, running regularly, questioning their commitment to running, basically any runner would probably enjoy this book. Look at me pretending I am part of the crowd. See, it's already good for me....

So the Penguin says something like this:

Runners everywhere want to be better. However, all of us are SOMEWHERE. WHERE YOU ARE IS WHERE YOU ARE. You can choose to accept and decide where you want to move toward or you can just berate yourself for being where you are. In fact, if you don't accept where you are and seek only to improve, you are setting yourself up for failure.

Moving our bodies is a good thing and for the most part we know this is the right thing to be doing. There is joy in this in the beginning, "I am actually doing it, I just ran X miles".... etc. However, the joy quickly fades and we get caught up in the "how far SHOULD I be going," "how fast SHOULD I be." According to Bingham, setting the stage for failure starts with "SHOULD".

He also talks a lot about the transformation from activity to lifestyle. {paraphrasing} For running to be a part of your life, it must become a part of who you are. For better or worse, being a runner must be part of your definition for yourself. There are no expectations that we can meet other than those we set for ourselves. Running can teach us that if we let it. Running can teach us to accept who we are and challenge who we are at the same time. Running can teach you how to be all of who you are. Each step will take you further from the expectations of everyone else and closer to yourself.

So here goes, don't I really want running to be part of my lifestyle, part of me? More so than stressing over this marathon? I want to be a RUNNER more than I want to run the Des Moines Marathon in a few short weeks. So, I am somebody with some foot issues, still to be worked out, who has also had a cold. Today I managed to do 4 miles. YES, 4 MILES, eventhough I've had a cold and had no energy and it was really hot out there. I choose to think that's great, and I choose to keep making running part of my lifestyle. THAT's WHERE I AM TODAY.