There's Good News and Bad News

Alternate titles for this post that I considered:

• I Never Should Have Chosen That Damn Name - Nonrunner Nancy
• Trust Me, Freakishly Flexible is so NOT a Good Thing
• I'm Mourning 13 Minute Miles
• I'm a Freak
• Only Read This if You Need to Feel Better About Your Situation Otherwise It's Too Much of a Downer and Way Too Long

Well, now, I really have some answers. I never wanted to be one of those people that posted every ache and pain and complaint and that is why I have disappeared somewhat. I wanted to be fun and funny, creative, motivational (if not fast). But the answers are none of those things.

I DO have a torn labrum (the cartilage in my hip) and it probably CAN be fixed. However the sit-i-ation is more complicated. This injury likely WAS caused from running, somewhere around the 6 mile point. I am so damn freakishly flexible that my bones rattle around in the joints and just bang the $hit out of each other. To the point of injury. This injury is usually caused by tackling or falling down, but some people that are really flexible can get it from repetitive motion.

I have choices, clean up the broken stuff and just get it out of there (3 weeks on crutches, back to normal activity) or try to repair it (6 weeks of crutches and brace, more extensive healing, then back to normal activity). The doc says he never usually repairs anyone over 25 years old because healing capacity declines. However, he suggests repair in my case just to try to give my joint a little more stability. Freakishly flexible, people. I'm a freak. I feel old.

The reality is I really am a Nonrunner. My body was never made for running. I have too much flexibility, not enough control and my bones are beating up on each other simply from running. (do you have a picture in your mind of me flailing about? well I never thought it was that bad but apparently it is bad enough) It explains why my feet would just literally blow up at 8 miles and be so sore I could barely hobble. I am so sad right now, I can't even tell you. I sucked at running but it was mine. I made so much progress, I shocked even me, I loved the creative posts, the awesome, funny, sweet, ever-supportive bloggers, the time alone, the time with friends, the saying, "yeah, I ran a half" and meaning a half marathon, the beautiful days, the rainy days, the cold days. When I ran a half, I remembered to marvel at my strength even from the back of the pack. Now it seems like the holy grail.

I'm so sorry for the drama, I just needed to write. I really am mourning the loss of running. If I get all fixed, I will need to be a lot more careful and that probably won't involve much running at all. This isn't gut it out and make progress, this is gut it out and risk inury, go too far and need another surgery. I'm mourning the 12 miles I did with Amy and Art and the fantastic tailwind, the day we ran in an absolute snow storm, the day Cavey Girl ran a record pace and God smiled down on her chipped tooth and all, the day I ran my one and only famous Dam to Dam 20k and so many other runs that I captured on my blog. I'm mourning the lessons of being so bad and having to remain positive and everything it taught me. I'm mourning the tris I wanted to eventually do. I'm mourning the virtual races and all of you.

I know life will go on. This isn't loss of a loved one or loss of a limb or something equally as crappy. But I am going to have to find a new holy grail. I am a swimmer and I can certainly do that. But you don't meet your friends at the pool and have a great swim with chat, laughter, tears, hugs, etc. I have to find something that keeps me energized like running did. And, I have to find the creative outlet that it gave me, as well.

I have read that many people live just fine with the freakish flexibility but a chosen few have it so bad they get injured. Their best bet is to be freakishly thin and freakishly in shape. Geez. Can we rub it in any more? Those are two things I'm clearly not. And, if I were those two things, how much faster could I run?

Well, I have to move on and try to be thankful for all the stuff that remains.
I can be fixed.
I have all those sweet, strong, beautiful runs captured on the blog and can read about them any time I want
I have met some lovely people.
I AM a runner, I did a half marathon and a 20k. I rocked. I have medals.
I learned how to be positive and keep going even when I kind of suck.
I learned how to run my own race, something so valuable in every day life.
I still have lipstick.
I still have my club.
Of course, I am blessed beyond belief with husband and kids who will support whatever the new holy grail becomes.

I will still be around. I have to figure out what to do with this blog. Maybe I will continue to be Nonrunner Nancy but swimmer or cyclist extraordinaire. I have a little road in front of me with surgery, rehab, and figuring out how to be freakishly thin and freakishly in shape as well as a lot of creative energy that needs to go into something. But I do want to thank all of you for your inspiration, support, laughs, friendship. You all and running have meant so much to me. Please go easy on yourselves, be thankful every day that your body allows you to run, no matter how slow, marvel at your strength and remember to enjoy all the details.